Tag life

Dear Children….. Letters I wrote but never sent

Melanie 1 Comment

When my children were ages 10 and 8, and we were in the throes of elementary school and extracurricular activities, I wrote them each a letter. I found them, recently, as I was flipping through an old journal that I kept during those busy years. I remembered the context and why I wrote them. The letters brought back those days mixed with the excitement of discovery of new things and the frustration of juggling schedules. It was a time of rapid growth and learning- for us all. Even as it caused me stress, I recognized the lessons being taught and, hopefully, the characters being built. The letters served, for me, as a bittersweet reminder to myself, that these crazy days of piles of homework and late nights at cheer, dinners in the car and staying off “red” at school, would one day end and peace would be restored to our lives. They were a form of motherly expression, a means to find perspective in the midst of a chaos that so many moms find themselves in. This little snapshot of my life as a mom of 2 and the advice offered herein has relevance for me, even today. It did me good to read these. I’d forgotten some really important things and here, I was reminded. Of note, these were written on my 37th birthday, September 4, 2014.

Dear brave, detailed Gia,

I saw you working so diligently on your human body circulatory system. You asked me over and over what colors to paint which blood vessels – veins and arteries- there was no distinction offered in the assignment. Your attention to detail – well, it’s just amazing! It’s this attention to detail (and the textbook artist’s lack there-of) that caused you such frustration.

My intelligent and creative girl- don’t allow something like that to cause you such worry. To be sure, details are important, but think carefully about spending your emotional energy on details that don’t matter. Do the best with what you’ve got and move on! Focus on the details that give meaning to your life, beautiful child, and let the rest go. I love you always, Gia.

Mom

Dear Jack- my strong, courageous Jack,

I see how hard you try to do everything so right and so perfect for everyone.Your parents, teachers, coaches, instructors- we all know that you give your best. And we LOVE that about you! It is this energy, this desire to be your best, that makes you unique. Every letter you practiced writing in kindergarten had to be perfect, or you would erase and begin again, even to the point of erasing a hole right through the paper! That focus and patience shows that you care about the work you do and this characteristic will serve you well throughout your life. Indeed, it has already paid off- your handwriting is exceptionally neat, especially for a 3rd grader!

Your standards are high and you are unwilling to settle for anything less than excellent. Your mistakes frustrate you. But I must tell you, intelligent, determined boy, that it’s ok to mess up sometimes. In fact, I love your mistakes! Mistakes mean that you are growing. It’s how we ALL learn and everyone makes them. Mistakes don’t make you a bad person. They shape you into a better person. It means you were brave enough to try and that you are smart enough to know what to do differently next time. I love you always, Jack.

Mom

We should all focus on the details that give meaning to our lives and not sweat the small stuff, so to speak. We could do with the reminder to view mistakes as opportunities for growth and improvement. I wouldn’t trade that season of motherhood for all the money in the world. We (both the kids and I) learned some valuable lessons during those days. And I’d like to think we’re all the wiser and better for it.

A wise friend once told me, after a huge blow-up (among many) between me and an ex-boyfriend, “if you cannot respect each other and the boundaries you set, you may not need to be together.” At that time (just over 2 years ago), I was not in a place to receive that little nugget of wisdom. After feeling a failure at marriage, I’d found someone who accepted the parts of me that my ex-husband couldn’t, so I was holding tight to a relationship that, in itself was very toxic. Emotionally, I was very immature, in regards to relationships. It would take another year and a half and an even bigger argument (this time involving Rankin County Sherrif’s Office deputies), for me to actually leave that situation.

Upon reflection of that relationship, which left me confused and mistrustful of my own sound judgement in choosing partners, I realized that I allowed myself to compromise in areas of the relationship, in hopes that the good parts of it would somehow compensate for the bad. That simply didn’t work. Boundaries, basic compassion and respect, as well as open and safe communication were missing – on both sides. Every fight taught me a little more (mostly what NOT to do). With each brutal altercation the relationship began to wither – at least from my end. I quickly learned that for it to survive, we needed to understand and honor each others’ needs, adhere to agreed upon boundaries, and show compassion to each other on the most basic level. Unfortunately, my partner, despite my efforts to convey this new-found and hard-gained knowledge to him, was not capable of rising to that level of emotional intelligence, that I’d so rapidly and chaotically had to attain.

My only advice in the arena of relationships is this: pay kind attention. Learn to read and understand people, especially your partner. Honor boundaries. Communicate clearly and allow your partner to feel safe in openly communicating with you. Be as compassionate and respectful as possible, especially when angry. If your partner cannot do the same, chances are, he or she is not able to grow with you, and stagnation is fatal to a relationship.

Ive struggled the most with anger. Typically, when I’d feel hurt or wronged by someone, my first move was plunge the knife straight to the jugular, without restraint, my only goal to inflict 10x the amount of pain and emotional anguish on him, as what I’d felt. I never paused and considered the costs of such an approach. These days, I do. Contrary to the “sticks and stones” school of thought in regards to words, things spoken in anger CAN really cut deep, impact a relationship in ways that forever change it. Irreparable damage can be done. One fight may not cause an end, but many, over time and fueled with intentions to cause pain (instead of resolution and repair), can cause a relationship to die a slow death.

Accept and attempt to understand yourself so that you know what you will accept in a relationship and from a partner. Be honest and kind to yourself and your other. Love always wins.

Death By a Thousand Cuts…relationship advice from someone great at failing

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Go In Peace, To Love and Smash Your Board

Melanie 1 Comment

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Belt testing is one of the most  exciting events in taekwondo!  It’s a student’s opportunity to demonstrate to his or her instructors the skills and knowledge accrued during the past cycle.   Students are tested in forms, contact skills, sparring drills, free-sparring, knowledge of the martial art (verbal test questions), and board breaks.  Three years later, I still look forward to belt testing!  I love, love, love the energy!

“The Lord shall fight for you, and you shall hold your peace” Exodus 14:14

My board break situation has always been this:  I don’t get excited about boards.  The combination of size and poor technique during the learning process has left me with minor injuries.  I even dreaded breaking, at times.  When I struggled with a new technique at the start of this cycle, I had the terrifying thought that boards would keep me from earning my black belt. And I got angry and frustrated.  That’s when I made a decision.

Have you ever spent so much time and energy, prayer and tears on a situation, hoping to change it, without it even budging?  Days, weeks, months go by and the confusion, hurt, and frustration remain.  You approach the problem from every angle, analyze, re-analyze and over analyze and yet, nothing.  No peace.  No resolution.  This happened to me and I thought I’d hit a wall, until, again, a decision was made, and with it, peace felt beyond what I had imagined.  Our God is truly an awesome God.

“Do not be conformed to the world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind…”  Romans 12:2

I decided to get friendly with my board.  You know, give it some attention.  Show a little love. In the past, I hardly ever practiced breaks on the board, outside of class.  This time, I vowed, would be different.  I would make myself try, no matter what.  I enlisted the help of fellow tkd peeps and my family and what seemed a hopeless situation, with (often painful) practice, became not only promising, but enjoyable.

The kick was a #2 round kick.  #2 indicates the leg with which you kick- the back leg.  A properly executed round kick board break should include the knee pointing to the target, kicking accurately at the line on the board, and the ball of the foot hitting the target.  I practiced 2-3 times a week, outside of class and, though I was not always consistent, I became more comfortable with and less hostile toward my lovely blue board.  For the first time ever, I RELISHED board breaking and could not get enough!   When I broke my board at testing, I felt so powerful and humbled, all at once, because when I do something I once could not, I give that to Him.  It was, after all, Christ who strengthened  me.

It is well with my soul

I prayed for change- for myself. We may not have control over some situations or people’s behavior, but we can change the way we react to those situations.  We are capable of improving.   I realized this, through the depths of pain and frustration, anger and hurt- somewhere along the way, the knowledge was whispered to me by my loving God.  It took awhile to get to a place of peace, to make the change a habit, to shift my perspective, but I did it and Im all the better for having done so.

Belief in yourself, faith, work- this is the “stuff “that makes “it” happen in your life. Whatever you are aspiring toward, whatever you are going through,  you are loved and peace is only a prayer away.