A wise friend once told me, after a huge blow-up (among many) between me and an ex-boyfriend, “if you cannot respect each other and the boundaries you set, you may not need to be together.” At that time (just over 2 years ago), I was not in a place to receive that little nugget of wisdom. After feeling a failure at marriage, I’d found someone who accepted the parts of me that my ex-husband couldn’t, so I was holding tight to a relationship that, in itself was very toxic. Emotionally, I was very immature, in regards to relationships. It would take another year and a half and an even bigger argument (this time involving Rankin County Sherrif’s Office deputies), for me to actually leave that situation.

Upon reflection of that relationship, which left me confused and mistrustful of my own sound judgement in choosing partners, I realized that I allowed myself to compromise in areas of the relationship, in hopes that the good parts of it would somehow compensate for the bad. That simply didn’t work. Boundaries, basic compassion and respect, as well as open and safe communication were missing – on both sides. Every fight taught me a little more (mostly what NOT to do). With each brutal altercation the relationship began to wither – at least from my end. I quickly learned that for it to survive, we needed to understand and honor each others’ needs, adhere to agreed upon boundaries, and show compassion to each other on the most basic level. Unfortunately, my partner, despite my efforts to convey this new-found and hard-gained knowledge to him, was not capable of rising to that level of emotional intelligence, that I’d so rapidly and chaotically had to attain.

My only advice in the arena of relationships is this: pay kind attention. Learn to read and understand people, especially your partner. Honor boundaries. Communicate clearly and allow your partner to feel safe in openly communicating with you. Be as compassionate and respectful as possible, especially when angry. If your partner cannot do the same, chances are, he or she is not able to grow with you, and stagnation is fatal to a relationship.

Ive struggled the most with anger. Typically, when I’d feel hurt or wronged by someone, my first move was plunge the knife straight to the jugular, without restraint, my only goal to inflict 10x the amount of pain and emotional anguish on him, as what I’d felt. I never paused and considered the costs of such an approach. These days, I do. Contrary to the “sticks and stones” school of thought in regards to words, things spoken in anger CAN really cut deep, impact a relationship in ways that forever change it. Irreparable damage can be done. One fight may not cause an end, but many, over time and fueled with intentions to cause pain (instead of resolution and repair), can cause a relationship to die a slow death.

Accept and attempt to understand yourself so that you know what you will accept in a relationship and from a partner. Be honest and kind to yourself and your other. Love always wins.