Its tournament time again!  Jack and I will compete- he is 8 years old and flits through life and TKD effortlessly- without so much as a thought to give to tournament (or so it appears), until he is faced with the actual event. Oh, he enjoys taekwondo – he just does not stress over it, or anything else, really. He works on his form and his kicks and then gets distracted and runs off to play.  Last night, at 9 PM (2 days before tournament) he wanted to show me his form and practice sparring.   Of course, we did!  I love it when he initiates practice and, in fact, encourage it as often as possible.

I, on the other hand, adopt a rigorous plan to improve, especially the week of the event, putting in extra practice and class time, keeping my diet in check, getting plenty of sleep –and my performance? Honestly, it’s not great, compared to my more athletic, more experienced counterparts. That’s real. I feel like I work really hard for little return.

Why, then, do I compete? I try (constantly and consciously ) to seek the positive- it keeps me going and gives me hope. The positive is that I am better than I was almost 3 years ago and that many greats have come from being a part of this martial art community. I compete because I really REALLY believe that the experience will make me better, I want to practice performing in a stressful, tense situation, and the experience gives me knowledge and understanding of this aspect of taekwondo.  Surely, it makes for a better assistant on the instructor team as well.

See, I was not what anyone could call “athletic.” In fact, I’m an adolescent in the ways of athletics. Im in the process of “becoming.” As far as athleticism goes, I haven’t even hit puberty! But I’m changing every day and I’m happy (most of the time) with the progress. Nothing validates progress so well as when someone ELSE notices your progress. When one of Gia’s cheer friends’ mom assumed I cheered because I am in “great shape” or a patient’s family says I look too young to be a nurse, or the mom in Dick’s Sporting Goods mistakes me for an employee because I look “young and athletic,” I admit that at those times, I’m thankful for genetics and dedication to (mostly) healthy eating and regular exercise.

As a child, I was content to keep to myself, immersed in a book, writing poetry or short stories, anything to escape.  I dabbled in gymnastics and dance intermittently but nothing structured or competitive. At 34 years old, I walked onto the taekwondo scene…err…mat with zero athletic prowess. I’m quite sure it showed. But I loved the environment, the people, the training and workouts. Taekwondo under Mr and Mrs Dear’s tutelage is competitive, positive, and fair. If only I had discovered this jewel years ago!

The Ever-Looming Question: What if I Fail?

There really is no fail, but there are times I disappoint myself.  That’s a tough pill to swallow.  This past summer, at the world tournament, was one of those times.  Despite extra practice, eating especially healthy in the few weeks prior, and making sure to get plenty of rest and exercise, my  form competition was awful! I made simple mistakes.  By far, it was my worst performance at tournament.

I was devastated! I choked back tears of frustration as I watched everyone else do their form with less intensity, worse stances, and less precision, I thought, than me.  I fought to keep my composure, because: 1. I’m no spoiled-sport-cry-baby.  Fair is fair, and 2. I had to be a good example to Jack and Gia, who were watching.  The painful part was facing my instructors.

So, why compete again?  I deserve to give myself a chance to improve and I owe it to my instructors, who invest time and effort in my training.  I gained perspective at that tournament, with a little reality and humility thrown in.   But a disappointment such as this ? It doesn’t keep me from trying again- and I wanted to prove that to myself, that I’m no punk.  I can overcome disappointment.

A Silver…well, Bronze Lining

The 2014 World’s was not a complete bust for me.  I always enjoy seeing others (especially Jack) compete and this year I had decided to try board breaks for the first time at tournament.  What had I to lose?  Only experience to gain, and I definitely needed that!  I surprised myself by smashing 3 out of 5 boards- it felt good and I was happy.  I received a bronze (medal).

Facing the Music

As mentioned, I dreaded having to face my instructors, medal-less (in forms and sparring). I felt on the verge of a serious flood. Unfortunately, things like this are inevitable and so, shortly after the competition was over, I saw them.  My heart raced, my face burned, I wanted to disappear, but didn’t.    I never thanked Mr. Dear for choosing a crowded Subway restaurant as the place to ask how it went, but I’m glad he did.  No way was I gonna cry amongst a slew of people ordering meatball subs and chips!  Ridiculous!  It was a blessing and much less painful than anticipated.  Does this mean I’m a survivor?!  I like to think so.

Well, week #2 of house painting is drawing to a close and I’m feeling like I may need to buy a stocking to hang for Leo (the painter) just in case he is still toiling away at this house, come Christmas. 
He is just a little past half way done and please don’t mistake this for complaining- I just want my house back and the freedom to walk around it in tank top and skivvies til past 9 AM. I am very thankful- Leo is THE most particular, OCD-ish painter I’ve ever met and his work reflects such. He works alone and prefers it that way.
He is quiet, constantly working while at the house but a great conversationist, when engaged: we’ve talked mma, Lil Wayne, kids, boxing, our love for eating hot wings and just life, in general, the perfect ratio of silence :conversation, that being about 60:40 for me, on an average day, with someone not close to me.
All in all, the experience has been less tortuous than expected and I’m looking forward to restoring order (well physical order) back to our house.
The kids certainly have enjoyed it- each afternoon, on return from school, they run inside to see what progress has been made and proceed to interrogate Leo for info. He is living their dream- they would LOVE to get into that paint and “just roll one wall, mama!!”
So it’s Saturday and Leo will be here soon. I gotta get my yoga in before he comes, or else relegate myself to the bedroom so as not to subject him to such an atrocity as me making a (earnest and worthy) attempt at the Downward Facing Dog pose. 
Happy Saturday!